Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”