Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me trying to reach for my goals
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.