@Carbosly: Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [at checkout counter] Would ya like to donate $1 to- -No But you didn't let me finish -Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth? No -Then no
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
@DirtMcTurd: Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say "people like this are out there."