@Carbosly: Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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@ficklenuts: [first day of school] LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies. LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon. BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
@stevevsninjas: Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can't look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
@Sal0630: Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath Her: Ah I can't wait to take it *hands her paper* Me: I used your eyeliner pencil
@ericsshadow: [answers phone during job interview] What's the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can't find me.