Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
The news
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.