Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*launders Kohls cash*
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.