Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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This hospital has everything
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.