Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Punctuation Matters. Period.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock