Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses