Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Air conditioning – not a fan
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
the three branches of government
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’