@TheBoydP: Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
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@psybermonkey: Me: I haven't spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though. Therapist: She isn't going to live forever. You should call and tell her. Me: You're right...*dials number* Mom, you're going to die *hangs up*
@audipenny: friend: wish you were here! me, abruptly stopping whatever I'm doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
@meganamram: I don't need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana's purse.