Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!