Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
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cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My life coach traded me.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.