ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
started wrapping my pills in cheese
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
When your parents check you’re ok.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My dad.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY