Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Oh. My. God.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening