@TheBoydP: Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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@vineyille: My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they've taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
@ericsshadow: [flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]
@Mr_Kapowski: [press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water
@murrman5: [waiting with friend for his test results] "I'm nervous" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*