Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
fixed it
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
He took my last fry, your honor
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.