Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
#Caturday
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.