Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
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– cluckbait
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.