Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”