Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
never deleting this app.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking