You Might Also Like
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Happy Thanksgiving
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
*Seductively hides in the woods
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.