“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
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National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.