“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.