ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
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Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved