When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE