I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks