How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
You Might Also Like
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
screw you
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)