PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
every single time
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Seas the day!!!!
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
it was love at first sight
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Spring cleaning checklist…
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.