@4SLars: PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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@bazecraze: If you think it's hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.
@david8hughes: Everybody mad at me like it's common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn't go to funeral college.
@notacroc: PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
@david8hughes: "911 what's your emergency?" "Yeah, I've got so many questions about bees." *sighs* "Please hold for the president."