@4SLars: PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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@stockejock: I'm ready to be a father now that I've successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he's so happy, he's relaxing & floating on his back...wait...
@KenJennings: I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.
@huntigula: *Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"