PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Finally!
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
no one likes gloating