@StevieKnip: PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever
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@weinerdog4life: Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
@ceejoyner: I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
@Steven37366100: HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently. Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
@juneohara65: Me: "Bless me father, it's been 13,505 days since my last confession." Priest: "You're off to a bad start."