PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
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“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon