PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.