Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
#Caturday
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs