Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You Might Also Like
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.