Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didnโt ever know they were catholic
Teacher: ๐๐๐
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EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: Iโm not going to lie, pretty easily.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
where it all went wrong:
โof course i know where weโre goingโ
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If you replace โumbrellaโ with โNutellaโ in Rihannaโs song, the song still works, if not more so.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
โAh yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanicsโ is what Iโm going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I donโt understand.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
โListen to your body.โ Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.