I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Perfect
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.