Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I just tested negative for patience.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.