PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2