Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
real
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.