Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
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Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa