Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine