Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.