I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
the world’s most popular steaming services
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird