Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.