friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Hey I worked for it too!
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.