Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.