PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
You Might Also Like
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
sometimes, late at night, i鈥檒l look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Guys in the 90鈥檚 who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That鈥檚 not even on the periodic table
I鈥檝e accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My馃憦spacebar馃憦is馃憦broken馃憦so馃憦I’m馃憦using馃憦the馃憦clapping馃憦emoji馃憦instead馃憦I’m馃憦not馃憦trying馃憦to馃憦make馃憦a馃憦point
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schr枚dinger’s cat.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I鈥檝e reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing