PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
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Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Namaste
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller