psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.