Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
meow
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
welp
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.