if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
*3.5 thank you very much.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?